| Pages Galore |
[Dec. 13th, 2009|11:25 pm] |
I decided to take a break from writing my Wolansky paper on La Jetee to put an entry in this thing that hasn't been touched in awhile.
Living here has certainly changed me. Being at Chapman has certainly changed me. I've begun to realize that I lost part of me that had some sort of fun factor in it. I guess it washed away with a lot of the whiskey that I've downed, but I'm not sure. Not only that, but I suppose I've forgotten that people matter the most. The other day I drove around town wanting something to eat, and on a whim I picked up two large pizzas. I just ran around the entire building just giving pizza to people. The girls on the third floor were ecstatic and hungry to boot.
I felt empowered. Not in a greedy sense, but I felt as if I really made someone's day. After years of saving up money to make large purchases for myself (300 dollar headphones here, 500 dollar video card there) I felt liberated when I gave one slice of pizza to one person. It was fantastic...
Being here I've discovered I don't care much for production. Don't get me wrong, I do love being on set, but I absolutely abhor being a department head. I fumble. I get nervous. And I absolutely cannot bring forth any sort of confidence when I'm asked to direct someone. Writing on the other hand, I am incredibly thankful for. It is an avenue that I can control easily and without fear. I'm glad I picked that concentration.
I've made friends here, or I suppose more acquaintances. It's difficult for me to open up and feel comfortable with people at first, especially hundreds of new faces, but it's getting easier, certainly now that I'm more giving than before. I just sometimes wish I was in some kind of inner circle of people, but I've been here less than six months and I've got a lot of time to develop relationships.
My greatest fear of all is not being able to land a job that I'm looking for. When I'm kicked out of here I'll be in the most amount of debt I've ever been in and I suppose that's a risk I'm willing to take here. The greatest risk is not taking one. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 15th, 2009|11:30 pm] |
|
Oddly enough, Long December came on Kevin's ipod today. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 11th, 2009|10:14 pm] |
Aarktica - Snowstorm ruins birthday.
Beautiful. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 9th, 2009|11:20 pm] |
I didn't think my future would turn out in the manner it did.
For months I've been pining over a decision through Chapman. There was the little gray bar on the website, some tiny dagger pricking at my neck that constantly blinked back "Decision Pending." It was baffling me as to why so many schools had denied me and this last shining ray of hope was dangling a piece of cheese above my head. This is what I wanted! I dreamed about this day coming and I had such high hopes for it. And after Miami, after the FSU rejection, after NY said "NO" without an interview, after the New Orleans abrupt answer and the flat-out backhand from UT, this was the last acceptance I was wishing for.
Yes, UM had accepted me. I was excited to hear from it at first. the months went on, however, and I saw a potential problem--UM costs would total over 100 thousand and the reputation for the school was not as strong as I desired. It wasn't easy to pop them a check for 250 just for a spot into their program, but it was the failsafe. The backup. The "incase."
The two interviews I had out in Los Angeles were incredibly draining--I had been up for nearly a solid 24 hours with little food to eat. I had a headache that kept boring a screw into my skull. I missed my first flight. The day was not looking promising.
That morning at the hotel (5 star, breakfast, all for 53 dollars) I woke up feeling amazingly refreshed and alert. Leaving was a heartbreak...I took one last glance behind me at the Hollywood sign and sighed. I thought it was the last time in a long while I would see it.
"Chapman Admissions....Direction is booked...Was there a second track you were interested in?....Writing...let me change that for you..."
10:30 PM on the dot, my phone rings.
"Writing looks very promising for you."
Jawdrop.
10:30 AM on the dot. They time their shit well.
"We want to welcome you to the Dodge College of Film writing program."
California it is, then. My bags are packed and I'm ready to get there one way or another. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 1st, 2009|11:38 pm] |
It isn't often that people wander into my life by some seemingly random encounter.
Okay maybe it is often.
But most of the people I've met since I've been here have been passersby--we talk, we hang out, we drink beer, we shoot the shit that needs to be shot, and then something happens--a husband and wife split, a couple moves, a friend is evicted from his apartment because he harbored someone who committed a B&E (brilliance!)--people just move on. We grow. We leave. We don't say goodbye, it's just a suggested "see you later, or never." We don't care enough to say goodbyes.
I'm not the kind of person to say goodbye myself. I don't do it because there's never a guarantee that the person I'm saying goodbye to will never show up on my doorstep. It's how many people operate and sometimes not seeing a person for a long time is just enough time to reaffirm that whatever relation they have to the person is superficial. Can you go a day without hearing from the person you love the most? A week? A year? What about never again? What is love then?
I've lately found myself in a position where I could make a family at the drop of a hat and I would have very little to worry about. It's positions like these that are the most tempting in life--you let go of a lot of risk, uncertainty, danger and whatever else to say that it is time to settle down and stop chasing that nearly impossible goal that's just out of reach. You can never catch the dragon, no matter how often you pump your veins full of heroin. But, rather, we find that making these life-altering decisions tests us in the most unexpected manner. Just this weekend I found myself reading to a child whom I could accept as my son. There are times when I see him run up to me with strong recognition and a huge toothy smile on his face as if I were his biological father. He's ran to me before screaming "DA DA" and all I could do is stare at him in a kind of stupor as if to say, "Not me, son. I'm sorry." I stuck with him in the hospital after they popped in an IV and he started to cry at random intervals. His mother left for a brief time and that's when he really let loose. It took some strange undiscovered courage to grab a baby book and serenade him back to sleep.
Those moments aren't like the ones you should wave at as you pass them by. They're ones that will be branded in my mind because I know that I will probably never experience them again, unless I say goodbye to one future and hello to another.
Carrie is a wonderful woman and she's done so much for me already. I told her not to get attached to me because I would be leaving. I'm starting to see what I've got and what I might lose if I decide just to tell her "see you later." It is not "Goodbye."
Or is it?
Would a woman like her wait for me to come back?
"My least favorite part of the day is when you leave."
I'm certain that we will find time to meet between the gaps of our school, but, once again, how often is one able to love another while each day means another part of their face forgotten? |
|
|
| NO Explode |
[Apr. 18th, 2009|10:05 am] |
BSM's NO Xplode:
Instead of going to the gym after downing a few scoops of this incredibly tart workout drink, I decided to stay home so I could feel the effects of it without endorphins in the mix.
Holy shit. This junk makes me feel so jittery that I'd like to write a program that records how many times I've hit the backspace key. My fingers are spattering all over the keyboard so much that it makes a crazy man swinging a rubber chicken with a pully in the middle look like an expert swordfighter. Water is running through me at an alarming rate and my head feels like someone pumped it full of helium--lightheadedness was not a listed side-effect.
I don't think I'll be taking many more of these supplements. They're just far too risky, even if they're legal. I'll do protein but beyond that there isn't much more I'd like to take. At the very least I'm glad I've made leaps and bounds in my physique, but my hopping legs are a sign that this stuff is far too volatile for a person like me to digest, and I've seen normal results anyhow even if I don't use this junk.
This is the first weekend in a long while that I've been able to be by myself. My previous weekends weren't very fun--work took those over. As much as I like trying to logically figure out SQL statements and how to integrate them with Access, credit and logistics just do not interest me in the very least. There came a time when I was just not able to put forth the effort for 6 days a week. I needed my weekends back and stress was just too strong of a factor to involve. People were beginning to worry about my health.
I haven't kept up with my "fraud email" blog and I wish I had--a lot of people seem to really enjoy it. It's been a good while since I checked the account that actually holds a lot of the emails, but I think today is a good time to run through it and pick out the ones that will certainly be the most entertaining. :) |
|
|
| Disappointment |
[Apr. 16th, 2009|09:26 pm] |
FSU: No
USC: No
AFI: No
UNO: No
Columbia: No
UT-Austin: No
SCAD: Very probable No
UCLA: No
Chapman: Very probable No
American University: Pending
UCF: Pending
Miami: Yes
This is where it hits hard. The universities that wanted me the most were the ones I wanted the most. Yet each of them is requesting work that I do not have. At the very least, I have Miami.
As the majority of rejections came in it was a little overwhelming, but understandable. Each school has a different focus: Chapman's was story, SCAD's was art and FSU's was marketability. I thought that maybe a strong approach on all three aspects was evident in my applications but clearly the above list proves otherwise.
And it's been a long time since I've really written anything.
There have been times when I am stuck in ruts that come along--ruts that prove test of integrity and character--and still I find that these ruts are frequent and long. It is hard to feel guilty about addictions that society does not often consider to be unhealthy. But when a common addiction starts to grow like a weed it can spread through the body and mind uncontrollably and will eventually take over an individual's life.
My problems have sunk deeper than my veins--they have cut down to bone and tonight I am done with this on my soul. I have nearly gone broke because of this one....THING...and while it will take the best of me to fight these demons off I think that I am no longer at guilt. It is not often that I pray to what I consider to be a god, but if he has any say in my future then I hope he says that I will be okay from here on out and my relationships with the people I love will improve because I am so absorbed in the self that it is sickening.
I am an artist stuck in an office world occupied by too many playthings that are the reason that I have not grown in the manner I should have. Today I wash my hands of this. |
|
|
| Rejections |
[Mar. 23rd, 2009|06:29 pm] |
USC and AFI.
I'm not surprised, but I am disappointed. This means Chapman is my only chance for California and with these two schools out of the picture it's a grim outlook. However, in spite of the rejections I think that keeping me from acceptance into AFI is also keeping me from a huge pit of debt. AFI is so expensive that even some of your highest college loans wouldn't cover all expenses you might incur. I quickly realized what I was getting into when I noticed that all of the cars parked outside of the Conservatory were on par or better than your standard envious BMW.
USC I never had high hopes for to begin with. While the instate tuition does not differ from out-of-state (a huge plus), I never saw much promise in the school to begin with.
My biggest disappointments will lie with FSU and Chapman. If these schools don't deliver, then I'll have to resort to Miami. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Mar. 11th, 2009|10:36 pm] |
He honked the horn repeatedly as the car behind him tried to pass. We narrowly missed the car and the porsche sped off to intimidate other drivers.
Suddenly I wanted to be back in the plane. Losing cabin pressure wasn't as scary as this was.
Los Angeles has a way of swallowing you whole. You look at it from a distance and the smog looks back at you, smiling with tiny little clouds that seem to billow around in the hot air while the hispanic driver in front of you swears at two broken-hipped oldies that huddle their way across the street.
Morris was an expert at driving. you HAD to be in Los Angeles or else the traffic would trample you like wild horses on steroids. Motorcyclists drove up between the lanes flicking honkers off while the folks in the carpool lane (THANK YE GODS!) sped by at an alarming rate. No wonder carpools were so favored there--getting to AFI and Chapman University was a breeze.
If you've never been to AFI, you're missing out. It sits on a hill on North Western Avenue that literally overlooks Los Angeles. Behind it is either a house or a hotel--I'm not sure which--that resembles something like a castle. To the left in the far distance is the Hollywood sign and to the right, well...you get the idea. More of California. More of everything to look at.
As odd as it sounds, it felt like home.
Chapman was definitely new school--a Spirit 4k digitization machine that towered against one wall. 36 editing stations. A theatre the size of a fucking IMAX theatre, complete with a mixing station and all that an audiophile could ask for. Two gigantic soundstages. One hell of a good reputation.
I'm waiting for responses for both of them. Here's where the going gets thick. |
|
|
| Idiocy |
[Mar. 7th, 2009|10:21 pm] |
Dad: When does your plane touch down?
Me: 9:35 AM at LAX.
Dad: Wow...so what times does it depart?
Me: 5:30ish here.
Dad: Well you know what that means, don't you?
Me: Um...what's that?
Dad: You'll have to get up early.
Me: .....Yeah. |
|
|
| Mindfuck |
[Mar. 3rd, 2009|08:14 pm] |
Emails for interviews for Chapman and AFI in the same fucking day.
:O
:D |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Feb. 24th, 2009|05:13 pm] |
Rejection from UT: that was a large and complete waste of time.
I called Columbia, Chapman and UCF. Everything is in as it should be except one last submission UCF needs to replace the absent film reel I can't provide. |
|
|
| Rejection from UCLA |
[Jan. 31st, 2009|03:38 pm] |
It was entirely expected. I remember receiving the email a good while ago from some admissions woman claiming that all my recommendation forms "appeared to have been filled out by the same person."
It's not exactly the easiest task to get letters of rec from RETAIL MANAGERS who do not have 5 minutes to spend out of TWO MONTHS to fill out a form to say that a candidate is great for a particular school.
I should have not even considered UCLA for admission--they're far too fucking early and cut into my time for the GRE studying. |
|
|
| Ode to AIM |
[Jan. 22nd, 2009|08:22 pm] |
Dear AIM,
I know I've been using you for a very long time. I'm so used to you. In fact, I kept the old-fashioned you. The new you really kind of sucked, but I grew into the old-fashioned you for many years.
Unfortunately, I must admit I do not care for your programming whatsoever.
It's true. I hate when you make those chime sounds on an instant message. I know I can ignore that, but still, the fact remains that whenever I'd get a message you made that god-awful chime noise. Even worse, you reversed it every time that I sent a message back.
And I don't know where you get these damn "Aim Bots" from. Please stop adding them to my list. It really makes me wonder how they came to be on my list until I realize it was your doing. I know that I've got a lot of people on my list I don't use, but I don't need more names taking up space on my screen. It's annoying.
I guess the real reason that I'm writing you this is I've only been using you for so long because...everyone else uses you. I would go to Trillian or, yes, even Yahoo if it wasn't for your constant use. Plus, you're so easy it's stupid. You're very simple. I just can't be with that. I like sophistication.
I know we've been a team for a long time, but its time for me to say goodbye. There really are so many other choices out there. I'm sorry to say that this is the end of things. I'm removing you from my computer. Adios. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 11th, 2009|09:38 pm] |
I wish that I was in Tallahassee for this night. :(
KEGS. KEGS OF THIS:
Bass- British
Beck's- German
Blue Moon- Belgium
Budweiser- American
Bud Light- American
Dos Equis- Mexican
Foster's- Australian
Heineken- Dutch
Hoegaarden- Belgium
Killian's- Irish
New Castle- English
Sam Adams- America’s World Class Beer
Stella Artois- Belgium
Yuengling- America's Oldest Beer
O.o
Why not me?! I want that, man! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 10th, 2009|02:45 pm] |
Me: These don't say whether they are white or wheat on them.
Dad: Are they wheat?
I guess it worked out that the schools I looked into first were the ones with the earliest deadline. I still think I waited too long for everything--I figured studying for the GRE in September would at least land me a good chance but I didn't think a deadline was as early as November. Still, I did make 1000 on the GRE and I've been told it is a competitive score. Besides, most schools don't even look much at that score.
UNO goes out today. This makes a total of 10 apps out, 1 accepted, 0 rejected, 9 pending. :D |
|
|
| End-of-year comeabouts |
[Jan. 1st, 2009|12:54 pm] |
A group of men are smoking in a warehouse office as they discuss end-of-year discussions.
Mike: Okay, we're all fucking tired and now it's January first. We need something to let us relax and take in the finer things in life, like booze and cigarettes. You got anything John?
John: Let's take off for a bunch of days.
Mike: I like it. We'll do it.
Scrappy: But wait...er..we need to name them something!
Mike: Two steps ahead of ya, Scrap. We gotta start off with a bang though. Let's plan things ahead of time. Let's start a month in advance by stuffing ourselves with as much food and alcohol as we can.
Snarf: B-but with what?
Mike: We need a pig. Lots of fucking ham. Lets stuff the pig's mouth with an apple and then bake the whole thing. It's symbolic of yourselves. You are what you eat.
Grunt: We need MORE!
Scrappy: Let's throw a turkey in there!
Mike: Not good enough. We're gonna stuff the turkey!
Snarf: With what?
Grunt: STUFFING!
Everyone blinks for a moment.
In unison: "What the fuck is stuffing?"
Grunt: Er...Iono. Just...stuff. Put together.
Mike: Okay sounds great. Ham. Turkey. Lets add that one guy from those Fruit of the Loom commercials, what's his name?
Scrappy: Uh, cranberry?
Mike: YES! Cranberry. EVERYTHING CRANBERRY! Sauce, jelly, jam, juice, paste, butter, and the berries theirselves. Of course.
Grunt: We need more!
Mike: Thanks grunt, but we need to give more thought to other days we get off.
Snarf: B-but what about the end of the year?
Mike: SILENCE! Christian, you got anything?
Christian: Uh...let's like...name a holiday after me. Yeaah.
Mike: Great, lets name it Christmas.
Snarf: B-but what's Christmas going to be?
Mike: JAY!
Jay opens an office door and pops his head out.
Mike: I need you to go to the woods outside and cut down a large tree. And then get your bitch of a wife on the phone and tell her to make as many fucking shiny ornaments as we can. I want balls, I want lights, I want-
Jay: Can I make large Js in red and white?
Mike: Ok sure, and lets put something at the top of the tree. A brick, maybe?
Christian: Let's do a star!
The room falls silent.
In unison: "What the fuck for?"
Christian: It's my fucking holiday dude, I can do what I want with it.
Mike: Ok whatever, lets use some fake plastic star and put lights in it so people will think it's important.
Grunt: WE NEED MORE!
Mike: GIFTS! Holy shit that works great. Let's make it important by pretending that Christmas is about the thought of giving something to someone instead of how expensive things are. And 'we re gonna wrap them too.
Snarf: B-but with what, Mike?
Mike: JAY!
Jay (muffled): yes?
Mike: GET THAT BITCH ON THE PHONE AND TELL HER TO GIVE US ALL THE FUCKING TOILET PAPER SHE CAN FIND! AND IT BETTER BE PRETTY TOO! MAKE IT ALL COLORFUL WITH ANGELS AND SHIT!
Jay: Mhmm!
Scrappy: Will people be working on these days?
Mike: No, give everyone a week off. Except for people working in retail, those people don't deserve to live.
Grunt cheers.
Mike: And we need....songs. JAY!
JAy: Yes?
Mike: WHAT'S THE NAME OF THAT BITCH?
Jay: CAROL!
Mike: Let's make up fucktons of songs about how important Christmas really is and call them carols! Okay we're doing with that.
Snarf: B-but what about the end of the year?
Mike: Shit, I forgot. Here, let's consult the penis shrine.
Mike pulls out a large cock-n-balls statue.
Mike: I have an idea.
He takes a saw and chops off the cock and separates the balls.
Mike: we're going to make a large testicle. Let's make it out of more lights and shit. And then we're going to gather people in a large square and dump fucktons of confetti on them. Like lieterally tons of the stuff. tons of confetti.
Scrappy: And we'll give them hats?
Mike: YES! Hats! And funny glasses! Wigs.
Scrappy: And we'll give them beer!
Mike: Brilliant! let's get them all drunk and then put our large, shiny testicle on a pole. And when the new year hits, it'll drop and explode!!!
Everyone falls silent again.
In unison: "YEAH!"
Scrappy: I think it's brilliant!
Christian: WE NEED NO MORE!
Grunt: Like totally fucking rad, man.
Jay: My wife is a fucking bitch.
Mike: B-but what should we call it? Jesus, I have no idea!
Jesus appears.
Jesus: Let's call them the holidays and make them about me. LOL. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 29th, 2008|11:41 pm] |
Here is what my day is like:
I pretend to care about coming into work. I leave work. I come home and do a round-robin of social websites until I realize nobody gives a fuck and no messages appear. I eat, have a few drinks, play some games and go to bed.
Repeat this every day. Except on weekends, when I just don't go to work. |
|
|
| Christmas GetList |
[Dec. 26th, 2008|08:50 am] |
A bottle of Jack Daniel's (750)
1 TB external Hard Drive
A seat cover for my car
Handheld mixer
Best Buy gift card for some unknown amount of money
The Dark Knight
Pants
The TB drive will store all of my DS/SNES/Abandonware games along with the fuckton dump of music I will get soon. Luckily Christmas Eve I was given one present to open and it was the drive.
The gift card will go to a rent/purchase for Prince of Persia.
I think this is the first Christmas ever that I actually understand what getting in the spirit of things is all about. I wouldn't really care about getting anything this year.
On the road, I noticed something strange happening to a black pickup in front of us. Suddenly several small pieces of wood fell off of the back of the truck and we ran over them immediately. I had no time to react. What resulted was a wonderful flat tire that tossed the alignment off and made it impossibly difficult to drive. We nearly ended up driving on the rim but there was just enough air to get us home. Now the problem is getting a new tire put on and making sure nothing else is fucked up.
Outside of Jacksonville, there was an SUV that had flipped over in the median. There were two stretchers laid out on the floor and more emergency vehicles off in the distance. Even though we hit a bump in the road (literally and figuratively), I was thankful to know we did not end up like the people in that SUV. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 26th, 2008|08:38 am] |
For the first time in a long, Panama City Beach actually had a White Christmas. Well, not what you'd think at least. The fog on that morning was so damned thick it was surreal. I opened up the door to the rented condo and looked out to nothing. It was pure white cloud that surrounded the 10th floor and I stopped for a moment to take the scene in.
Unfortunately my camera had no functioning batteries. I was very upset.
This morning the fog rolled in again but it wasn't nearly as thick. I could make out some houses on the ground and the Boar's Head resaturant across the street. On Christmas day I was afraid to just walk in the street.
9 applications in as of now. I'm going to focus on UNO and SCAD. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
undestructed's journal